Canthook

Suppose you lived in Cleveland and you took the train every fall, so you could spend the winter in a warmer climate. The problem, however, is that winter never seems to be very warm.

The problem, you've been told for years, is that the train has a bad engineer. Let me run the train, and you'll have a much smoother ride. But you end up freezing your butt off every winter, anyhow.

One day, someone comes along and says, "Hey, I've figured out your problem. That train you're taking to a warmer climate? It goes to International Falls, Minnesota. That is why your winters are so cold." And he suggests that instead of taking the train, you and your friends should take I-75 south to Florida with him.

As always, there's someone trying to become the engineer of the train. "No, no, that person doesn't have any experience running trains," she says. "I've been spending 35 hours watching other people run trains. You should ride with me."

But some of your friends, people who have been spending every winter in Cleveland, decide to get on I-75. "It's a change we need," they tell you. "We can get there. Yes, we can."

The person wanting to run the train tells you that the old engineer was qualified to run the train, and she is qualified to run the train, but this other guy, he's never run a train.

But more and more people start to think that the I-75 plan might have its merits.

The proposed new engineer argues, "What do you know about him? You want change and you deserve change, and I'm offering change. I've explained all sorts of details about running a train, from the pressure of the steam tank, to the temperature for the air conditioning." But the new guy just kept talking about I-75.

"I'm good at shoveling coal, and I'd be good at shoveling snow," she says. "You need someone who is good at shoveling." But the I-75 guy said if you go south for the winter, there shouldn't be a lot of snow to shovel.

The proposed new engineer posted a video online, showing that a friend of the I-75 guy didn't pay his parking tickets. "I didn't see him get his parking tickets, and I didn't know he had unpaid parking tickets. I'm against illegal parking," the I-75 guy said. The friend, however, liked the attention that he got over the parking tickets, and he spoke in public places to get more attention, saying that the I-75 guy was telling fibs, that he knew about the parking tickets, and laughed about them. Finally, the I-75 guy got POed, and said, "If he hasn't paid his parking tickets, feel free to put a boot on his car. I'm headed down I-75."

The proposed new engineer suggested that the railroad could charge $30 less on a $600 ticket, but since the railroad needed the money to keep the railroad trestles from collapsing, that they could charge passengers $30 more for their luggage. That was a really good plan, she felt, and people in Cleveland who weren't very smart thought they were getting a really good deal. The people in Indiana, though, weren't fooled, saying, "We may have been born at night, but it wasn't last night."

News reporters came up to the I-75 guy, and said, "What kind of car should these people be driving south?"

The I-75 guy said, "That's a silly question. Who are you talking about?" The reporter said, "Well, what kind of a car should I drive down I-75?"

The I-75 guy said, "What kind of a car do you have?" The reporter said it was a white Lexus convertible. The I-75 guy said he should drive the white Lexus convertible he already had.

The proposed new engineer called the I-75 guy "elitist" for that comment. "Do you know how few people own a Lexus, how few Lexus owners had white ones, and how few white Lexus cars were convertibles?" It would cost tens of thousands of dollars each for all these people to buy white Lexus convertibles, she said, and they could ride the train for much less.

The reporters went back to the I-75 guy. "It doesn't have to be white, it doesn't have to be a convertible, it doesn't have to be a Lexus. I was just saying you should drive whatever car you want." The reporters told their readers and viewers that the I-75 guy was waffling on the issue.

By this time, it appeared that 47% of the population of Cleveland was headed south on I-75. Given that some people would overwinter in Cleveland, it seemed unlikely that a majority would decide to take the train instead.

"My husband was Casey Jones," the proposed engineer said, "and I caught him cheating on me. He promised me that if I didn't get a divorce, I could have the train when he retired."

The people in Cleveland were confused. They weren't sure why they should have to freeze their butts off in International Falls, Minnesota, just because Casey Jones screwing around with an intern. One of them asked the engineer's daughter if that made sense, but the daughter was outraged. "How dare you," she cried. "I hope you freeze to death in the dark, in International Falls, and don't you dare suggest that I-75 is a better idea, because that's personal family business, and you aren't entitled to ask me about it."

Finally, it was almost time for everyone to leave, to head south on I-75. The I-75 guy was going to head the convoy, but he couldn't stay awake 24 hours a day for the weeks it would take for everyone to go south. He needed someone to help him with the convoy.

"I know," the reporters said, "why don't you ask the proposed new engineer to be your assistant. After all, she is so popular among the senile and the ignorant in Cleveland, and they're important, unlike people in most heartland states."

And a little boy spoke up, and said, "But if he does that, won't that engineer send us up the road to International Falls, the minute the I-75 guy goes to sleep?"

But the reporters were all talking to each other about how their idea was so great, and nobody listened to the little boy.

Other Bloggers On These Subjects:
I75 - Cleveland - Hillary Clinton - International Falls - nomination - Barack Obama - vice-president - winter