CHARLES: Tom - are you the richest man in England?
TOM: O - no, no. I believe we’re about seventh. The Queen, obviously, and that Branson bloke is doing terribly well.

In case you don't recognize it, that's from Four Weddings and a Funeral. In case you recognize it, and it seems, well, not quite right, that's because I'm quoting the script. In the movie, Tom says "Oh, no. We're... like, seventh." This is the last I'm going to mention that wonderful movie, perhaps the best work Rowan Atkinson (Mr. Bean) ever did, but I bring it up to point out the fact that Richard Branson is everywhere.

Branson Is Everywhere

Including my pocket. I carry a Virgin Mobile cellphone. I rarely talk on it; it have to top up $15 worth of air time every three months and the minutes roll over, and keep growing, but it's handy in emergencies (yours truly proved the advancing state of his senility by locking his keys in the car one terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day not long ago, and had to call Blondie for a rescue).

The reason I mention Richard Branson is that I'm playing Tubular Bells in the background as I am writing this. Blondie, having grown up a Philadelphia chick, knows nothing of music, and whenever I play it, she says, "What is that?" in a distainful tone of voice. Ah, if only Bob Horn hadn't been driving drunk, WFIL wouldn't have replaced him with Dick Clark, and Philadelphia kids would have grown up knowing what music was all about.

Pyramids Upon Pyramids Upon Smuggling

Richard Branson, that bloke that's doing terribly well, is something like the 261st-richest person in the world. He kept erecting pyramids of enterprises, hoping that profits from the new enterprises would bail out the previous enterprises. He sold enough dope to print the first issue of a periodical for students, but he couldn't sell enough advertising, so he started using a big chunk of it to sell records at discount prices mail-order, but he had to smuggle black-market records to supply his mail-order business, and the record companies were nipping at his heels when he built a studio that would make musicians more happy by, among other things, being in a remote-enough location that drug use was free and easy, and the recording equipment was technologically superior to anything the other British studios had. That meant he had to keep the studio busy to pay for all this, and in order to do that, he had to start a record label.

The first record he issued on his new label was not rock music at all, but a classical album called "Tubular Bells" by Mike Oldfield, one piece of music so long that you had to flip over the LP in the middle of the song to play the rest of the song. It was a strange piece of music that, well, it fit in well at parties where everybody was drunk or stoned, or most likely, both. It also fit in well as the sound track for a strange horror film called The Exorcist that was a surprise breakout hit.

Just-In-Time Scheduling Of Miracles

Not only did teenager Mike Oldfield get rich on that album, but that one album, all by itself, made Virgin enough money that Richard Branson could put all his other enterprises on a solid financial footing. Lacking that album, it likely would all have come tumbling down around Branson's ankles. I don't care to suggest that it wasn't genius to recognize the potential of Tubular Bells, but it also was a long-shot. There's a lot of incredibly good music that doesn't "catch on" and become hits, and Branson was not only good, but he was lucky as well.

Mike Oldfield played over 20 different instruments, and it took over half a year to put together the many individual recordings that make up the song. There are human voices snarling and wolves howling, caveman grunts, and the weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth as the music builds in intensity and volume. Suddenly, the narrator, Viv Stanshall says, "Grahnd Piano!" and an acoustic piano takes the lead with a clear voice and statement.

One at a time, other instruments are announced, adding their voices ("Spanish guitar, and introducing acoustic guitar!") until finally the narrator announces "Tubular bells!" and their crisp clanging leads the crescendo.

THC And Blood Fractions

You don't really have to be a stoner to appreciate this music. I must confess, that although I have inhaled, marijuana seems to have no effect on me. I read once that there is a blood fraction in some individuals that is chemically very similar to THC. Everybody's biochemistry is a bit different, and it's possible that I have enough of that natural chemical floating around my system that additional THC would have no additional effect. It'd explain a lot, if I was constantly walking around in a natural high. While certainly much safer legally, it certainly would be nice to be sober once in a while.

The music ends whimsically, turning into a riff inspired by "Turkey and the Straw." Just the thing to get your blood pumping, and get you on your feet. Gosh, I'm hungry. I could sure go for some brownies. For some reason, playing this song always makes me hungry. I think the technical term for that is "the munchies"....

Other Bloggers On Related Topics:
American Bandstand - Bob Horn - Dick Clark - Mike Oldfield - Philadelphia - Richard Branson - Rowan Atkinson - tubular bells - Virgin Mobile - WFIL