Canthook

My father, The Beast often told me that he was a soul born in a time in which wasnt his. He was a man whose ideals, morals, thoughts and attitudes towards his life, his family and others were not nearly even with his fellow man.

He perverted the Bible to serve his own needs and in turn schooled his wife and children to do the same, and at one time became a preacher and thus tried to school others as well.
The law of the land, our laws, our constitution, rights that are afforded to eahc and every man woman and child were twisted so that these rights and freedoms only were for him and only upheld him and denied us our freedom from him.

Public school was a tool of the devil the Beast told us. Anyone who didnt believe as the Beast did was trying to corrupt his family and children. In the end he won, public school was the enemy of my father, although my firend, he chose to seperate me from that influence that wasnt in accordance wit his teachings. So at the end of my seventh grade year, I never again set foot in a public school.

His plan I am sure was to render me ignorant, to remove me from those who would speak against him. To keep me forever under his watchful eye, more appropriately under his heel. The place that my mother lived, under his feet, where he trod.
To this day she remains under his feet, in his power unloved, mistreated, and abused. But so long has this been her life with the Beast, that when freedom was hers for the taking she returned to the was of life she knew best. She returned to the Beast.

When I think of the woman who is my mother who lives unto this day with the man who is my father, I think of Beauty and the Beast.
Who is Beauty? Am I as Beauty, am I like her?

I am unlike this soft gentle woman, my mother.
This woman whose father died when she was a child, leaving her with a mother who left the raising of her other children to her fatherless daughter.
For all of my mothers hard work and selfless giving, she became the perfect prey for a hunter so skilled in deception as my father.
With pretty words, flowers and chocolate he won my mothers heart. He promised her he would take care of her always, and I wonder if she could have known the monster within the man, would she as Beauty did, marry her Beast.

But unlike Beauty, my mother's love, her unselfishness and forgiving nature didnt change her Beast. Instead my mothers Beast remained the same, the monster within him as an incurrable plague. The Monster who lived inside the Man, that parasitic Beast.

The plague has easten away slowly at my mother over the years. With each year she becomes weaker and now she no longer fights it, but in her misery and I am sure it must be mistery, for how can it be anything other, she accepts it, nutures it and she loves it.
For this plague has been her only friend for so many years now. It, unlike so many other things has not grown old and frail. It has not weakened in age, but has grown stronger. Her Beast remains with her, his sick unnatural embrace, the only thing which has remained constant and sure.

I am unlike my mother. Unlike Beauty.
I am not forgiving - I cannot forgive the Mosnter within the Man and I cannot love the Man within the Monster. His sickness, the unnatural affections he had and still has for his daughter - they plagued me as a child and plague me still, though I love miles away from him - they did not change me as one would expect a parasite such as he to change its host.

I am not gentle, I reserve my gentleness for my children and those who are not Monsters within the Bodies of Men.
I am selfish. I require not only freedom for myself, but the right to preserve that freedom so that my children may know a life untained as mine.

If then it is selfish to require this, then I am selfish. I want none of that life for my children. I do not want the same for my children as my mother gave to me.

I am cold, unforgiving, selfish, unkind, a hard demanding woman. I will not have my later years nor my childrens years plagued by a Beast that Beauty could not and cannot change. Life is not a fairy tale and I will not fool myself into believeing it is.

So to those of you, those of you who have known this Beast that Beauty cannot change, cannot you find any honour among yourselves to stand up and fight this monster?

Are you merely content in know that he plagued you only for a time and now you and your children have no worries that he or possibly another monster will not plague you again?

Do you hold your secrets to you like a forbidden knowledge to ever to be shared?

Is your pain so sacred that you, that you must hold it like some ancient relic?

Forgive me these angry words, that I know must hurt you. They hurt me as well, but I must say them, my sould demands it and I and my soul are one. Who would I be if I ignored my soul? So, do forgive me, these angry word, which will anger you and hurt you - I must - I dare to - For I cannot keep silent.

Who are you to keep silent!
How dare you, refuse to speak up and speak out!
It is not only you! It was never only you! It has never been only you!
Do you foolishly imagine that only you have been abused, molested, beaten and shamed?

You know there are others, others that share your same secret?

How dare you speak of it in hushed voices, whispering among your closests friends!
How dare you be afraid!
What good is your fear?
It did not help you when the Monster came. Did you fear help you at all?

The only thing your fear ever did was enable that Monster that you so fear.

The Monster who now has set his sights upon my children. The Beast that preys upon children.

Were this your life, would you ask, no demand of me, as I demand of you?

Are you secrets so buried that you have forgotten your pain?
Has it bee so long since the Beast was near that you have forgotten that you could lose all you hold dear?

If it were only me, I would ask nothing from you. I am not innocent, but my children are innocent. I WILL NOT have them lose their innocence and their childhood. It was never meant to be that way.

I will not have that for them. Would you have it for yours?
Is your privacy so much more precious than mine?

Would that the Gods had made me barren and gifted me with no children, I would not seek you out. Each of you carrying your secrets, held close, untouchable, I would not ask your help, nor seek you out, your secrets no concern or worry to me.

I wish to the Gods I had killed him before the birth of my children. I would no longer fear for them, I would face nothing, save, perhaps the four walls of a jail cell.
That would not be as horrible as my life has been with the Beast, In fact it would be a welcome change.

Some days I feel that to kill one Beast I would need to kill them all, but that is not the way of things.
Foreverything there is a time and a season.
For some things the time and the season comes as naturally as the sun rising and setting each day and night.
There are some things however, that there is never a time nor a season. These things are unnatural things. Things to which there is no reason, nor justification.

You say that you hate him and well you should, as well you have good reason.
You say you wish his death, you despise him and distrust him for all of his pretty words.

Am I any less than any of you?
Should my hate, distrust and despisment of him be any less just because I am his daughter? Just because I am his own flesh and blood?

You know me, but you know me not as well as you think. Although you know me the monster that has shaped me and made me into what I am: You can never know the extent of my hatred to him.
Although you think you know me well, do you know to what lengths I am prepared to go to fight against this Beast that is my father, whose surname I bear because I was unfortunate in my antecedants?

I wonder sometimesif you know me at all.
Do you know what inspires me?
What I like to read?
What qualities I find important in ones friends?
Do you know what legacy I hope to leave for my children after I have drawn my last breath?
Do you know any of the things which are important to me?

Or do you only think that you know me?
When you think of me does your mind hesitate, because you wondering what to say?
I think you only know what I have chosen to show you, I am not one to bare myself.

You say that I am bright and smart and I agree that I am.
I am not one who enjoys that bliss that ignorance brings.
I am much too stubborn, I pride myself in being educated and knowledgable of the thinsg which concern the world I live in and the people with whom I live with.
One would truly need to be completely stupid to enjoy the bliss of igornance.
For those of us who are not truly stupid, bliss doesnt come so easy and we are not dumb enough to ignore the truth.
If truth be known here, there is no true peace nor bliss nor happiness in ignorance.

I have been ignorant, yet I had no peace, no happiness, yet , even in the knowledge
that there was more, I find that I will never have any realy peace nor happiness until the Beast is no longer a constant threat in my life.

I wonder, does he threaten your peace and your happiness, though he be miles away from you?
Do you wonder what he will do nest and if you will be prepared?
And if he doesnt threaten you, will he threaten someone close to your, your children?

He is forever in my thoughts. I always wonder when my life is good, that its the perfect time for him to sweep in and muck it up. To make a mess of things when I am unprepared to deal with him.
I am not paranoid, just cautious.

I do hope that my words have not caused you anger nor pain, but were they said or written to me they would cause me anger and pain. I do not suppose you any different than I.
Still you are not deserving of my anger, neither should you have pain from me.
However my reproach you have, for this Beast abused, molested and shamed you as he has done to me and tries yet still to do to me. Know this, I would speak up for you even though you would not ask it of me.
For I could not allow my own pain, my own shame, to make it easy for another to suffer the same.
This I would do for you, though I dont know your name and hagve never seen your face.
I know there are others, other besides me the Beast abused and molested, but as I said, I dont know your names, I've never seen your faces. You were, perhaps children once too.

But know this, when he abused you and you told NO ONE, for fear of what your family would say or what harm would befall your children; KNOW that for each time you said NOTHING, in your SILENCE he abused another.

Because of your silence and your fear, someone else paid the price. Because he went on to abuse, molest and rape others.
Keep that in mind - Remember that price that others have paid, paid so dearly for your silence.

January 2008

It simply amazes me how people react to a child who is now an adult who was abused as a child.

I do understand your apprehension in telling your secret. I understand why you dont want it know.

Statistics such as they are, are forever being pressed into our minds, that those who are the victims of these abusers as children, go on to walk down the same path as did the one who abused them.

It is the children of the abusers who suffer the most. The abusers have no need to search or hunt their next victim. Their own children satisfies them, ast least while they are ignorant and dependant.
As long as the children do not rebel, as long as they calmly accept that this life, is the best that this world has to offer.

BUT THE STATISTICS ARE WRONG!

Just because we never told doesnt mean that we are the same as the Beast that left his mark on our lives.

Just because we did tell an our abusers were so powerful that no one believed us doesnt mean we are the same as the Beast, just because he left him mark on us.

Just because when we told and then later recanted so that our families would accept us again. When our fathers promised to changed and we agreed to be a liar, to turn our backs on the truth, to be branded as one who couldnt speak the truth - Just because we did all of these things doesnt mean, doesnt prove in any way or fashion that just because we agreed to keep silent then, that we have become the same as the Beast now.

I didnt not have any choice in who my parents are.

A daughter doesnt chose her father.

A child, a woman, a victim doesnt choose to be abused, neither do they choose their abuser.

No one gave us a choice, it was the life we were born into.

We know, we understand, we have the knowledge and the wisdom to choose RIGHT from WRONG.

We have free will. We have choice.
For all of the statistics, we have not been counted. No one knows we are here, the statistics cannot be correct until we have been counted.

The abuse that has been perpretrated upon us, CAN BE ESCPAPED.

Just because we are the children of the abusers does not mean that we are them.

Yet I know from my own life, that this secret that I carry, this truth I have not told, is dangerous to those around me.

People use truth, much as they use religion and GOD.
Wars have been fought under the guise of TRUTH, GOD, and RELIGION. Underneath, it is power, greed, wealth and riches. The power to manipulate and control others.

While truth can set you free, for those of us who have lived with the Beast, are the offspring of the Beast; Freedom isnt that easy and the truth doesnt make our lives any easier.

There are people who use our truth against us and use our truth to judge us as being the same caliber of human as the ones who have taken our innocence, who have force upon us their own twisted, sick and pervetred desires, lives and nature.
To judge the abused by the actions of the abusers, is WRONG.

This truth, this secret that we carry, this shame is only out done by the greater shame that we bear when our peers discover this TRUTH. This supposed thing that is supposed to set us free.

This thing that people do not know that we caryy. Because we have spirits, we have souls, we have freewill, the ability to choose, the ability to educate ourselves and to learn wisdom.
All of these thing set us apart from the childhood we had, from the abusers who raised us. In this we show that just because we are the offspring doesnt mean we that we cannot change!

But, we do understand human nature - we ourselves are so.

It is so easy to fear what you do not understand. To believe that someone who cam from such as we have, such as I have, would be any differrent than the enviroment from which I have been raised.

If I could not be different, if my childhood enviroment was dieseased, then I too would carry this diesease.

But I do not. My father, the Man within the Monster, the Beast, was not raised this way. He was not abused by his parents, his father and mother did not riase him as he raised me.

My father chose this. He chose to live this way. He is not the product of his enviroment. He is not the product of his raising, his childhood nor is he the product of an abusive home.

Were my father the offspring of abusive parents and the product of an abusive enviroment, then statistically speaking, my father's other four siblings would be just as he is. It stands to reason that this would be so.

A person is not predestined to be, nor genetically wired to become a certain way.

If we are genetically wired and predestined to become alcoholics, just as our parents are; Then alcoholism is an incurrable diesease, being drunk is an effect or symptom if you will, of the diesease, and so we should not be held responsible for our actions such as drunk driving, assault or any other actions. These actions would be mere the side effects of our diesease, a diesease that we are genetically wired to have, something we are predestined to become, a diesease in which we have no control.

The things which my mother taught me are as diverse as they are many.
Many things uphold one another, just as many contradict.

She taught me to be warm, kind, respectful, unselfish, loving, softhearted, trusting and forgiving. All of these thing complement each other. These are the things that she taught me with her words and her actions.

But my mother taught me best with her silence. It was with her silence that she answered all of my questions. Her silence never condemned, never questioned. Her silence supported, upheld and gave permission.
With my mothers silence, my mother said yes.

when the Beast that Beauty had married, beat her, choked her, humilated her, shoved and pushed her around. when she shamed her and abused her and them began to do the same to her children, she learned that inorder to survive this life, she had to instruct and teach her children the basics of survival in this wilderness.

Although under the ever watchful eye of the Beast, Beauty learned to teach her children the things that were not approved of by the Beast. The things that which would make them strong. The things that would press them to find life beyond to which they were born. To believe without seeing that thedre was something better than this. That the world outside of what the Beast taught was not the enemy. To bide their time until the day of their escape be came real and permanent. A life was not survived, but a life that was lived - without the Beast.

Beauty taught me to read and that in a book I could escape the monotony of our lives. Beauty taught me that books held great wealth and riches. Books held something that money can truley never buy - Knowledge.

Money could buy the books - But it took reading the books, thats where there was wealth and riches.
But not all books contain knowledge that tells you that there is freedom. A freedom that has always been there, a freedom that the law protects, gives to everyone and every one deserves.

But in this knowledge that is found in books, one must be cautious, not all knowledge is good and right knowledge.

A great many things influence a young mind, one that has yet to be shaped and molded. So I believe that it is important to read cautiously of a book in which the knowledge presented to one has no experience and may confuse right and wrong.

Beauty taught me to listen to my soul. If I always listened to my soul and I paused, thought rationally, I could make the right choices and I would know right from wrong.
I wouldnt be swayed by what things I heared, what people told me, what I saw; Because what I had seen didnt always mean I had seen the truth nor the entirety of a situation or circumstance. The same held for being told, reading and hearing.

Beauty taught me to never just simply, blindly, calmly accept. To always see out what was the whole entire truth and that often truth had two sides. That not always
because there were two sides, did it mean that there was a wrong and a right. Often both are wrong and both are right.

Very few things in life are simply just as they appear.

February 2008

What is this life that we have?
Do we all wonder what the furture will bring?
Do we wonder where we'll be, what we will have done with our lives, the moment we begin to think about this future before us?

We may think that we are small and alone and that we can accomplish nothing.

Rightly so, as long as we continue with that thought, we will forever be small and we will never accomplish anything.

But through the ages of time, many times it has been one against many.
Now that our history is behind us and our furture is before us, why should we lie around and wait for the wrong of our history to repeat itself?

We should learn and study our history so that in our present and our furture we will take care to take the steps that will prevent our history from repeating ourselves.

Alone.
So alone is how I feel, utterly and completely alone. I have my children and only the Gods know how much I love them and how thankful I am to have been blessed with them.

But as thankful as I am and as much as I love them, I cannot confide to them.
They can never be my friends, we can never be buddies. Although they be my flesh and blood, we will never be friends.
They will lean on me, have my shold to cry on, they will confide to me, seek my advice, my approval, they will come to me with their problems and ask me to fix them. All of this they have of me and I do what is the responsibility of a mother to do.
And I am alone.

A mother's life is a lonely one. Peoples expectations of us are more than they expect from the very leaders of our country. A mother's life is constantly under a microscope. She is talked about, discussed, her life is dessected, she is judged by who she knows, what she talks about and to whom. How she dresses herself, where she works, or doesnt, what music she listens to, what she reads, where she lives and what type of abode she dwells in, down to what type of auto she drives.

A mother seldom has any real, true friends.
If she does work, then she is either money hungry, career minded, doesnt want to do as a "good woman" should, or really doesnt want to be with her kids 24/7, and always "So and So allows So and So to watch her kids!!"
A mother never wins, Maybe some do, as of yet I havent.

When I work: Its always that I dont want to stay home, or Im trying to live above my means, I dont want to be with my kids, I am never satisfied with what my husband does. The list goes on and on.
When I DONT work: Its always that Im lazy, or I dont want to help my husband, or somehow the exact opposite of what I was doing when I was working.

I have no true friends. I am talked about, discussed, disliked and not trusted.
Some people believe that I believe that people have nothing ebtter to do than to talk about me, but contrary to popular opinion, Im rather of the mind that the world does not revolve around me. If it did, I am sure things would be much different.
My life is truly problematic enough, people distrust me question me, my ideas, my thoughts, my feelings, my beliefs enough as it is, why would I want to under the micrscope more?

I suppose it is some part of our humaity, some part of our nature. Something about us that makes us behave this way towards others. I am no different in that respect.
There is something that is different about me. I want to be accepted, outgoing, liked, trusted; I want to be able to enjoy life.

But in truth I am so scared of it. I wish to be invisible. I wish to never cry to never hurt. But without feeling pain one would never know one was alive.

I feel shunned, I dont feel like I belong. Anywhere.
I know I am here but I feel as if there is another woman whose place I am in and I do not belong.
I try so hard to fit in to belong in my husbands family. But Im not. Im tolerated as if I am the lesser of the two evils in a school who is just now becoming UNSEGREGATED.

I dont want to lose who I am and become as they are. I dont approve of them and they are dishonest with each other and eve more with themselves. They ride the waves, but never break them. They go along with wrong because to speak out about whats right with break the waves and they do not kow how to ride a new wave.

I understand that doing something new is scary. I've been doing something different my whole life. Believe me it is scary. I've been fighting to be different my whole life.
It hasnt made me any more accepted because no one knows why and when i try to explain, the truth is so sick they really do not wish to hear it and no one wants to be near it.

After all Beauty couldnt change the Beast and I am t hat offspring of that dieseased realtionship. But I am not dieseased.

I respect the demons that hold my father, I do not discount their powers in him and over him, neither do I discount the power he has from them.

BUT I DO NOT CHOOSE TO BE AS HE IS.

My mother, I hold dear to my heart, she gave me life, though not one I would have chosen myself. I love my mother.

BUT I DO NOT CHOOSE TO BE AS SHE IS.