Canthook

Dear Mr. Delos,

Thank you for volunteering to serve your country. We appreciate your patriotism, and we are sorry to decline your offer.

No Such Position

After extensive research, we find that there not only is there not currently an undersecretary in the Department of Defense for purchase of coffeepots and toilet seats, there has never been such a position in the history of the Department of Defense, nor in the Department of War which preceded it, nor in the Department of the Army or Department of the Navy which existed before that.

Yes, we agree that it would be a fine thing if there was such position, but at this point, our hands are full, trying to fill the positions that already exist.

Other Potential Positions

You mention that you are registered as a Republican, and that you supported the Obama ticket in the election. We do not actually consider membership in the GOP an asset; we already have our token Republicans, and they're in highly visible positions near the door, as tokens should be. Any additional Republicans joining this administration will have to earn a position through demonstration of merit, of which it appears you are deficient.

I see by your letter that you have not actually cheated on your income tax, but that you are willing to do so. Again, we need to see actual merit, not vague and meaningless promises.

Nor can we accept your offer of accepting an accidental overpayment which you did not return to the government as a means of showing that you're willing to cheat on your taxes. Your problem is that you weren't thinking far enough in advance. You must have cheated on your taxes at least three years ago in order to be considered on this basis.

You're a GOP member, and you've never cheated on your taxes? Undoubtedly, you are a poor member of the GOP. Unless you can show some evidence of fiscal irresponsibility, or that you've molested young boys, I must consider your assertion that you're a Republican to be entirely bogus.

Kind Regards,

Rahm