It's a press conference. The candidate is nervous. The lights are glaring in his eyes. He straightens his tie.

"I would like to apologize," he says, "to the women of this state. They are right to feel insulted, although that was not my intent."

"I've known whores," he continues. "And I am proud to state that whores have been friends of mine. And my opponent is certainly no whore."

He kicks at the floor with his shoes, scuffing an already-scuffed pair of $400 dress loafers further. "It is at this point that my vocabulary fails me. What do you call a person who performs despicable acts, no matter how immoral, for relatively small sums of money?"