Canthook

I've gone decades between dreams.

That's not true, according to the experts. They insist we have five to ten or more dreams every night. But if you don't recall any of those dreams in the morning, do they count?

A Strange Dream

I don't know that you'd call it a strange dream. I had a dream once that I was sleeping, on and on and on. Wouldn't you call that a strange dream? And the following night, I kept dreaming that I woke up in the middle of my dream of dreaming, and when I woke up, I was still asleep.

Teach me right for eating chili before going to bed, I suppose. And my latest strange dream, I suppose, can be attributed to falling asleep with the television going.

I Told The Other Guys

I told the other guys that I really needed to take a leak. I know exactly what you need, one of the other guys said, and before I knew it, I was on a road trip, an interminable road trip, in a convertible, and every so often, we would stop somewhere with a cinderblock outhouse, where one of the other guys would run in and take a leak.

But not me. When it got to be my turn, they told me I had to get in the car or I'd be left behind. I rapidly reached the conclusion that I wanted to be left behind, but they said they couldn't allow that unless I took some pills.

Alice, you see, had these three pills, and one pill made you larger, and one pill made you smaller, and one pill was labeled "pee like a horse."

But I Didn't Know

And the next thing you know, I was pulling into the driveway on my hawg. That's odd, since the last time I was on a motorcycle, it was a Bridgestone 175, back in the 1960s, and the time before, it was a Norton 750, back in the 1950s.

Before you know it, we were sitting in clawfoot bathtubs, my wife and myself, watching the sun set. My wife was saying to me, "You know, last night, I was laying there, just watching the stars, and it suddenly occurred to me, someone stole the rest of our bathroom." And a buzzer started buzzing.

The other guys were strumming on their guitars, singing "Viva, Little Blue Pills" and I asked my wife what the buzzer was.

The Buzzer Buzzes

"It's your two minute warning," she said. Two minute warning? "Yes," she said, "in two minutes, you will have had an erection for four hours."

Now, you tell me. And we didn't do anything about it?

"Of course, we did something about it. You had me set the timer on my cell phone to warn us. You're supposed to seek immediate medical attention."

Hand Me The Phone

I called my doctor. It being in the middle of the night, I got an answering service. "He can't come to the phone right now," the service said. "He's busy having sex with some guy's wife. The guy had a four-hour erection and didn't seek medical attention, and now his wife needs the doctor's services."

"So she can get pregnant?" I asked. No, the service said. They don't want a baby. They're practicing birth control. "So if they don't want a baby, why is she having sex?" Didn't you hear me, the service said. They're practicing birth control. It's like getting to Carnegie Hall. You have to practice, practice, practice, if you want to achieve success.

I told her that I had an erection, and it had just lasted four hours, so I was seeking medical attention. "What's your address?" the service asked. "I'll send a team of nurses over, right away." Are you sure that's what the ad means when it says seek immediate medical attention.

Of Course Not

Of course not, the service replied. But you didn't seek immediate medical attention, by your own admission. You waited four hours. It's too late now. All I can do is send over a bunch of nurses at this point, because once you deflate, there's no fixing the flat.

"And what will the nurses do about that?" Nothing. Weren't you listening? Once you deflate, there's no fixing the flat. "So why are you sending the nurses over?" Well, there's no point in wasting a perfectly good erection, is there?

"Look," I said, "Can you send the doctor over?" Sure, she said. Tomorrow night OK? "Isn't that kind of pointless, waiting until tomorrow night? What can he do for me tomorrow night?" For you, nothing. But he can't do anything for you tonight, either. He doesn't swing that way. I thought you wanted him to come over for your wife.

My wife? "Yes, your wife. You want her to get pregnant?" No. I'm pretty old; chasing a 2-year-old around would probably kill me. "Then you need the doctor to come over, so your wife can practice birth-control. Practice, practice, practice."

The Alarm Went Off

I woke up. My wife did, too. Funniest thing, she said, I just had the strangest dream.

Me, too, I said.

"And then," she said, "I got this call from your doctor. He said he'll be around to pick me up at 8 tonight."

You're going on a date with my doctor? "I don't see how you have any right to complain, after all those nurses came over to see you tonight."

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cialis - dreams - flomax - little blue pills - practicing birth control