The First Jewish Swimsuit Calendar


A little old Jewish lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl.

Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat."

The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. It is hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself. The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan, too.

Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here." The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here." The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have?"

The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, "Chutzpah."

Heeb magazine has published the first Jewish swimsuit calendar. It's a pullout in their current issue.

Yes, there really is a magazine called "Heeb". And it's jewish year 5769, so they're calling it the "The Girls of '69". The model depicted here is Esti Ginzburg.

Not every reader is appreciative. One comment on their website says, Do you really need a pull out calendar of super skinny Israeli women deemed the “most beautiful Jewish women in the world” to get people to buy your magazine. What happened to the edgy alternative, question and make fun of pop culture attitude of this magazine? Just indulging in a little fetishizing of Israeli women – how original. Shame on you! Your clearly far from your grassroots, alternative, start.

A guy offers to buy a drink for an attractive young woman seated at a bar.

She gives him the green light, so he goes to the end of the bar and whispers to the bartender to make up a Martini for her and to put some Spanish-fly in the drink. The bartender whispers back to say he's all out of Spanish-fly and all he has left is Jewish-fly.

"Jewish-fly?" Shrugging his shoulders, the guy says, "OK, put some of that in her drink."

As she sips on the drink, she gets more and more cozy, really warming up to the guy. Finally, she finishes the drink, leans over and whispers in his ear, "Let's go shopping."

There are so many jokes about Jewish sex. It's not bad enough that the faith requires that they lop off from male babies, the ounce of flesh closest to the heart. It's not bad enough that the number of Monica jokes has already exceeded 100,000. It's not bad enough that fathers advise their sons to have sex with a jewish girl. (Why, the son asks. "It'll lasts forever", the father says, "or at least, it'll seem that way." It's not enough that Radio TelAviv is 1520 on the radio dial - but for you, 1190.

You know how many pages there are to the Jewish swimsuit calendar? Six. Talk about getting a poor bargain!

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heeb - Jewish jokes - Jewish sex - Jewish swimsuit calendar